View Full Version : The jokes thread
Well, thought it may be a good idea to start one, so here goes: -
Please try to keep them suitable for all audiences
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant...
"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."
http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b347/KBL007/Scrapbook/garfield.jpg
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says,
"Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun
needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."
As the officer writes Out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls,
"Can't you Please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says,
"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth,
"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says,
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine."
The driver says,
"Yeah, well, you see officer; I had it on, but took it off when you
pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says,
"Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
" Only when he's been drinking."
Feel free to add your own
bluestar
31-10-2005, 14:37
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands -free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat it's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure,.. go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000"
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Bluestar. Good Joke, but you metioned G**f. Or is that not a sport?
Bluestar. Good Joke, but you mentioned G**f. Or is that not a sport?
Picky......... good joke I thought
bluestar
01-11-2005, 17:25
INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD
01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.
02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. when a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. When she is using her teeth.
03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super-model....and it's
free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain
offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive
yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
Excellent stuff, keep em coming fellas
Mobile Man, where's your original jokes you first posted ? I thought they were quite good. When time permits I will add a couple but here's one for now...
Me and Tommy Cooper were in London one night having a few beers before the last train came back to Peterborough and I said to him where do you want to go for the last couple, he replied I've always wanted to go to Soho Spec. We went down to Soho and the great London fog suddenly came down and you couldn't see more than a foot in front of you. I'm wandering round Soho shouting Tommy Tommy where are you, all of a sudden a bird taps me on the shoulder and says are you after a good time, I said no I am trying to find my mate to catch the last train back to Peterborough. She says come with me I'll look after you, I said no I've got to find him go away, she tries again and again I said no clear off.
She lifts her skirt up and says to me does your mate look like this and I said no he's a bigger c*** than that.
Mobile Man, where's your original jokes you first posted ? I thought they were quite good........
I decided to edit them, as this forum is read by people of all ages, and i dont think they were suitable for the younger audience, so decided to edit them, i did add a small rule to follow, its in the original post in bold. So please keep the jokes coming, but do try to keep them suitable for all audiences.
This might sound like im being a miserable so and so, but im not honest..... :mad: just not wanting to cause offence.
Didnt think many people saw the original ones i posted anyway
bluestar
02-11-2005, 08:02
So Tommy Cooper is holding court in the local pub after another fine Saturday afternoon win. He's had a few sherberts, and says " Yeah I am pretty famous, and know loads of people". Spec, nearby hears this and says" C'mon Tom you ain't that famous". "Yes, I am" Tommy replies, " I am known throughout the land". Spec decides that enough is enough, " Alright, I bet you don't know Tony Blair!". " Yep, says Tommy, " me and Tony often have a Chinese on a Saturday". "Prove it" says Spec.
Off the two go to Downing Street, Tommy knocks on number 10, and Cherie answers the door. " Hello, Tommy, nice to see you again. I'm sorry but Tony has just nipped off to Brussells for the evening, he will be sorry he missed you, don't forget next Friday, and our take away at Chequers!".
Spec, is astonished, but being made of sterner stuff says " You just got lucky with that one Tommy, bet you dont know the Queen?" " Me and Liz are Whist partners" says Tommy. "Prove it" says Spec, so off they go to Buckingham Palace.
Tommy rings the bell, and Phil the Greek answers the door. " Watcha Tommy, how are you? Sorry Liz is off at some function or other, she will be sorry she missed you, dont forget we have cards next Wednesday".
For once Spec is speechless, but quickly regaining his composure he says " Its been too easy Tommy, lets try further afield, bet you dont know the Pope! " Yup" says Tommy, "weve talked tactics over the years". "Prove it" says Spec, so off they fly to Rome.
They arrive on Sunday Morning and make their way to St Peters Square, where 500,000 people are gathered for Sunday Mass. Tommy tells Spec to wait where he is, and he will see what he can do.
Finally after 20 minutes two tiny figures appear in the distance on the Vatican balcony. Spec, who all local refs know has problems now and again with his eyesight, and cant quite make out who the figures are, so he grabs one of the Popes Swiss Guards and asks " is that the Pope on the balcony in the distance. The Swiss guard looks hard and then says " Don't know, but that looks like Tommy Cooper with him !"
Just received bad news about George Best, he's only got 1 hour to live.............................................. .................................................. ...... There is some good news though, ITS HAPPY HOUR!
All the best George
Have you all got a fetish for Tommy Cooper :lol:
Keep em coming fellas
Things to do while the other half shops
01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
02. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: Code 3 in House wares... and see what happens.
05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME ! ! - PICK ME ! !!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the foetal Position and scream " OH NO! It's those voices again!!!"
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"
Another couple for ya's
Apologies if youve seen these before but i thought they were funny: -
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening.
She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.
He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."
He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he craps on you."
lozzaman
02-11-2005, 22:03
Purifying Water
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???"
The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis.."
The nun is a little reluctant but reply's
"Well I once fondled and stroked one..
St Peter says, "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate..."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the
line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister, what seems to be the rush???"
The nun replys "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!"
lozzaman
02-11-2005, 22:19
Juicy Squirt
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
lozzaman
02-11-2005, 22:22
Plastic Surgery Miracles
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's President of the United States."
Some more for you: -
A tramp asks a man for two dollars.
The man says, "If I give you the money, will you just use it to buy booze?" The tramp says no.
The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?" The tramp says no.
Then the man asks, "Then will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?"
How can you tell E.T is a Liverpool fan?
Because he looks like one!
How much do cockneys spend on shampoo?
Pan-tene
bluestar
09-11-2005, 08:06
oldies but goodies.....
A man and a woman, who have never met before, who are both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and
uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell
asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own ****** blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
__________________________________________________ ___________
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're
next, fatty."
__________________________________________________ ___________
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his
wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
http://www.dabollicks.com/PST/yoga-ind.jpg
or
http://www.dabollicks.com/PST/yoga-ire.jpg
bluestar
10-11-2005, 09:22
Health Warning.
Yesterday Government scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned
-------------------------------------------------
Fowl piece of luck, chaps.
Sometimes fact really is stranger than fiction.
Did you spot the story this week about scientists at a top secret British Government laboratory building a gun to launch dead chickens at the windscreens of airliners, military jets and spacecraft, all travelling at maximum velocity?
The idea was to test the strength of aircraft windscreens against simulated impact from flying birds.
NASA engineers heard about the gun and were keen to test it on the windscreens of the space shuttle.
A gun was sent to the NASA space centre, and when fired they were shocked to see the results.
The chicken hurtled out of the barrel like a missile, shattered the windscreen, blasted through the control console, snapped the astronauts’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the shuttle control cabin.
The horrified NASA engineers sent the British guys their disastrous results and begged for suggestions.
The Brits responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
bluestar
18-11-2005, 11:46
Been a funny old week thank God for local footie....
Corporate Lessons
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story :
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
*****
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
*****
Lesson Number Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize
how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug
him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
3) When you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut.
*****
In summary
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys…
all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some
fooling around and some simply just idling...
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see …….
nothing but assholes.
A man is lined up in front of the firing squad waiting to be killed, the leading officer asked "Have you any last requests?" Man replies, "yes, can you let Peter Crouch take the shot?"
David Beckham decides to go horse riding.
Although he has no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watching her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle. He panics and grabs the horse around the neck, shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved From hitting the ground by the fact he still has a grip on the horses neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, But his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along, David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse
lozzaman
30-11-2005, 15:48
An ice cream man was found dead on top of his ice cream van covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands.
The police later revieled that he topped himself.
it has to be rob swindle(sorry windle) and his crappy leagues. they used to be excellent with a really high standard of football now my nan could get in a prem side and she died years ago!
oh and there notice board/forum is a joke. people really do think its the best its ever been in the rwt leagues.
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the
shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and
which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing
them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you
had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop
and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,
*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch
the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it
would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
Englishman, Irishman & Scottsman discussing the discoveries of items in their 16yr old's daughter's bedrooms
The Englishman says 'I found a packet of cigarettes in my daughter's room. I didn't even know she smoked.'
The Scottsman says 'I found a bottle of vodka in my daughter's room. I didn't even know she drank'
The Irishman says 'I found a packet of condoms in my daughter's room. I didn't even know she had a penis!!'
:lol:
Back of the Net
17-02-2006, 16:01
Coopperisms: (Apt for this site I thought!)
I backed this horse at twenty to one
- it came in at half past four.
It was so late, it had to tiptoe back to the stables.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho- Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster.
So he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.' He said 'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the winner'.
Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber? He went into the bank, he said 'Stick 'em up. Are they up?'
I was walking up the road the other night, a man came out of a doorway. He said 'Have you seen a policeman round here?' I said 'No'. He said 'Stick 'em up'.
I went to the doctor the other Day, I said to him "I've broken my arm in several places. He said to me "you shouldn't go to those places"
This man says to me "my dog's got no nose"
So I said to him "How does he smell?"
"Terrible"
'Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaaggh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
The back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
Slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
I went to the dentist. He said my teeth are fine, my gums will have to come out.
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos ... so the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
And he said "My dog doesn't eat meat"
I said "Why not?"
He said "We don't give him any"
I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
I went out for a meal last night. I ordered everything in French.
Everyone looked surprised, it was a Chinese restaurant.
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (camply) 'Make up your mind.'
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids.
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone. :lol:
i saved myself £2 the other day by running home behind the bus-then i realised i could hane saved £10 by running home behind a taxi!!!!!!
i slept like a baby last night-i p*ssed myself 4 times and sh*t myself twice!
One to start this off again -
A Scottish ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and
sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have
some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright"
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play"
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a f*ckin liar!! "
And another
A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and
said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.
"Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass
away from me to other side of room."
Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery fass
back to me."
Once again, she obliged. Dr Chung slowly hook his head and said,
"Hokay, your probrem relly, relly bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see, that why you have No dates, that why you No get sex."
Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr Chung replied, "It when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse!"
Been a while since anything was added in this thread
Ed was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She
told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small
box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand
new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday
Latest one doing the rounds
Sophie ellis bextor has been found headbutted to death in the apartment of a french footballer, apparently it was murder on Zi-dance floor
And another one: -
A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and
says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would
like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand
and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this
shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
twice
and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this
shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4
times and says:
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.
The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned
something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?"
The son replies,
"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you
German b*stards"
bluestar
14-07-2006, 07:54
A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.
"Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass away from me to other side of room."
Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery fass back to me."
Once again, she obliged. Dr Chung slowly hook his head and said,
"Hokay, your probrem relly, relly bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see, that why you have No dates, that why you No get sex."
Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr Chung replied, "It when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse!"
Look up about 3 or 4 posts, ive already posted that one :mad:
bluestar
14-07-2006, 15:10
she wanted a second opinion !!!!! :lol:
she wanted a second opinion !!!!! :lol:
That made me laugh more than the joke did :lol:
bluestar
24-07-2006, 18:22
So there is this family of balloons - there is Mum Balloon, Dad Balloon and they have an 11 year old Boy Balloon - who is very immature and still sleeps in the same bed as his parents. Time has come for the boy to go to secondary school, and his father tellls him "son, you start secondary school soon and as I dont want you to be laughed at and bullied its also high time for you to sleep in your own bed". Despite his protests, that night Dad makes his boy balloon go to bed in his own room, but the boy can't sleep and finally in the early hours of the morning he goes into his parents room and tries to climb in with them - first he goes to dads side, but there is no room, so he undoes dads nozzle and releases some air, still there is no room - so he goes to mums side of the bed, undoes her nozzle and releases a little of her air, but still there is no room - finally he undoes his own nozzle, and releases almost all of his air, which then allows him to climb on top of his parents, where he soon falls soundly asleep.
Dad wakes to find his son in the bed, and shakes him to wake him up "oh son" he says sadly " this time you've let your mum down, your dad down but on top of everything you've let yourself down"
lozzaman
24-07-2006, 23:03
What do you do if you catch someone steeling your gate?
Nothing, he might take a fence!
:lol:
D'you get that one off a Xmas cracker Lozzaman? :lol:
bluestar
28-07-2006, 09:02
An elderly man walks into a used car delership ready to buy a car.
The salesman brings the old man over to one of his finest cars and starts describing all the features.
The old man gets into the car and discovers a bag of golf tees in the glove compartment.
He asks what these are for, to which the salesman replies " These are used to prop you balls up whilst driving". The old man replies " boy this car really does have everything!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
Bob replies " That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and my mate Charlie hit a hole in one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
Bobs wife replied " oh that's terrible!"
Bob says " I know. Then for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball drag, Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie......"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and one for you Lozzaman
Two Mexican detectives are investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. " How was he killed?" asks one detective. "with a golf gun," the other detective replied. " A golf gun ?! What's a golf gun?" " I don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan !!!" :lol:
And another one: -
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or Vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish. Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.....
"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
__________________
Time to get this going again
After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and i'd have to quit.
Then i caught her spending £65 on make-up so i asked how come i had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back
I said to my misses why are you ironing your bra you've got nothing to put in it, she said I iron your boxer shorts don't I.
bluestar
05-10-2006, 08:46
ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING
Symptom -Feet cold and wet
Fault - Glass being held at incorrect angel
Action - Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling
Symptom - Feet warm and wet
Fault - Inproper Bladder control
Action - Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training
Symptom - Drink unusually pale and tasteless
Fault - Glass Empty
Action - Get someone to buy you another drink
Symptom - Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault - You have fallen backwards
Action - Have yourself lashed to the bar
Symptom - Mouth contains cigarette butts
Fault - You have fallen forwards
Action - see above
Symptom - Alcohol tasteless, front of shirt wet
Fault - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action - Retire to gents, practice in the mirror.
Symptom - Everyone looks up at you and smiles
Fault - You are dancing on a table
Action - Fall on someone cushy looking
Symptom - Drink is crystal -clear
Fault - its water, somebody is trying to sober you up
Action - punch him !
and my personal favourite .....
Symptom - Dont recognise anyone or the room you are in
Fault - You've wandered into the wrong party
Action - See if they have free alcohol!
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90%.
Its called Wedding Cake!
Salesman nocks at door, 16 yr old boy with make up on and stockings and suspenders opens the door, the sales man asks if his mum is home. The boy says does it look like my mums home :lol:
bluestar
13-10-2006, 07:26
Then there was this dopey youngster playing for my reserve side - he put a condom on inside out and went......
same lad went into the local chemist and asked for some black condoms -"sorry we havent got any, have you tried Boots?" said the assistant. "Yes, but it comes through the laceholes" he replied !
And not being put off he asked her for some deodorant - " ball or aerosol ? " she asked - "Neither" he replied, " its for under me arms !!!" :lol:
lozzaman
14-10-2006, 11:34
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink!!!
they also get married in white so they can match the domestic appliances!
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Quite simply, brilliant and what everyman would want to do!!
Hope you well Robbo and see you thurs.
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Sydney
University. It was in the local newspaper and even Alan Jones mentioned
it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the
crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his
deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just
from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,including the wedding
party, was a manila envelope.
KEEP READING!!!
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their
envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride
having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them
weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes,he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said "F--- you!"
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people
would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the
affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest
wedding an reception, and best of all,trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends......................................$32,0 00.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion...................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui....................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man.......... Priceless.
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
:lol: :lol:
bluestar
10-11-2006, 11:27
It was October and the red indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the national weather service and asked, "is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"it looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the national weather service again. "does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"yes," the man at national weather service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the national weather service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
A woman walks into the Chemists and says."I'd like some Cyanide to poison my husband!"
"I'm sorry" says the Chemist, "It's not as easy as that, I can't just let you have Cyanide!"
With that, the woman reaches into her bag, and produces a photograph of her husband in bed with the chemists wife!
"I do apologise" says the chemist, "I didn't realise you had a prescription !!!".
:bst:
bluestar
10-11-2006, 14:52
Defenition of a wife -
Its a device you screw on the bed and it does the housework!
bluestar
10-11-2006, 14:55
Now you may think that the hardest and most painful part of a male to female sex change operation is when they remove the penis - WRONG that's the easy bit - the hard part is widening the mouth and taking the brain out !!! :mad:
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs & get me slippers?"
"No bother" he says & runs upstairs. When he gets upstairs, Paddy's 2 stunning 19yr old twin daughters are sat on their bed.
"Hello der girls, ur dad has sent me up here to shag ya both"
"**** off you liar" they said. "I'll prove it" says Murphy.
So he shouts down the stairs "BOTH OF EM PAD?"
"Course both of 'em, what's the use of ****ing one of them??!!!"
A young widow goes to the doctors for an internal check-up. Dr says "You're still a virgin but been married and widowed 3 times! How's that?"
Woman replies "1st husband was an astronomer, all he did was stare at it. 2nd was a psyhchologist, all he wanted to do was talk to it. 3rd was a stamp collector........God i miss him!!!"
try saying "beer can" without sounding like a jamaican "bacon" guarantee you wont be able to!!!!!
>A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...
>Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
>Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2
>sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to
>your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news.
>One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
>Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
>Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of
>town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her
bratts
bluestar
23-11-2006, 22:11
A man gets onto a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
bluestar
24-11-2006, 14:23
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess and the moral of the story is, 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking
Q=Have you heard about the new OXO cube in Wolverhampton Wanderers colours????
A= It's called a laughing stock. :lol:
To all the people who brougt a Wolverhampton Wanderers yo-yo's, could you please replace them they are faulty. When they go down they don't come back up.
An Arsenal fan, a Scouser and a Chinese man are in the hospital maternity ward. The docters goes out to the fathers and he tells them that there has been a mix up with the babies.
He says, "each of you go in and choose a baby that you think is yours, then come out and then we will review the situation."
The Arsenal fan goes in first and comes out with a baby. The docter immediately spots a fault.
He approaches the Arsenal fan and says, "come on lad, you know thats the chinese baby" to which the Gooner replies "I know, but there is a Scouse baby in there and I ain't taking no chances!"
Why Football Grounds Are Like Women
1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play
2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completley bald
3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends
4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner
5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground. ( I think we have all been to this ground a !!!. )
6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities
7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previosly visited
8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings
9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner
10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back
11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles
12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnell to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground
13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies
14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches
15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie
16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy
17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should
18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes
19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches
20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week
21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u **** the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead
22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf
23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco Supermarket with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bl*ody aren't! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would f**k you twice.”
Bratts
Little girl out riding her bike in the street, a copper on horseback trots up to her and says "did Santa bring you that bike for xmas my dear", "yes" the little girl replied, the copper says to her "next year tell him to put some lights on it" and gave her a ticket for £50. The little girl says "did santa bring you that horse for xmas". "yes" the cop chuckled to himself. "next year tell him the ***** goes underneath the horse" replied the little girl
Boy's 1st Time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first
time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.
10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
over & whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
Click on Beer Demo at bottom after reading Cool
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "TACKLE SHOPS/DAY TICKET FISHERIES"GOLF SHOPS / OR THE LOCAL in the phone book.
For a SHOCKING video to see how beer works click here:
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
The Ipswich game has been called off Saturday a dyslexic serial killer has murdered all the substitutes
Does anyone fancy playing rugby away in Ipswich this weekend?
They're running low on hookers!!
bought the wife's xmas pressies, black boots, small red dress, fishnet stockings and a one way ticket to ipswich!!
theres a dyslexic santa in ipswich ,,,,,
keeps leaving prossies under trees... :lol:
whats the difference between Mr kiplin and the ipswich serial killer ...?
Mr kiplin puts 6 tarts in a box...
you think it's cold here ?...
it's minus5 in ipswich .... :bst:
Back of the Net
14-12-2006, 14:51
A man walks in to a shop and asks the assistant " i need a pair of tights for the missus"
shop assistant says "sheer?"
Bloke says "no she at home"
bluestar
14-12-2006, 17:05
A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas Stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
bluestar
14-12-2006, 17:06
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearlygates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
bluestar
14-12-2006, 17:16
Zookeeper says to Peterborough Sports Talk very own Spiderman - " Spiderman the female gorilla is on heat and I need someone to have sex with her - will you shag her for £500?"
Spiderman replies " I will on three conditions -
1. I dont have to kiss her,
2. my family dont get to find out and
3. I will need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"
bernard mathews has put up a £10000 reward for the arrest of the ipswich killer. he said "i've been strangling birds round here for years, this is my f**king patch!
bluestar
14-12-2006, 21:52
young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
bluestar
14-12-2006, 21:57
This is a "heads up" boys going into the Christmas season - for any of your players or friends who may be regular Tesco customers from one of my lads who got scammed!
He tells me, "Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:-
Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and sponge, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco store.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts putting her hands all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
He had his wallet stolen on November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as he can buy some more wallets! "
SportsSec
15-12-2006, 16:36
Police are urging anyone in Ipswich who wants to Sex before Xmas to hurry up - While stocks last!
SportsSec
15-12-2006, 16:37
Ipswich rowing team are pulling out of any boat races this year - They keep losing their oars!
Michael Jackson has requested Rafa Benitez becomes his new manager apparently he wants to get spanked at home by 11 kids!!! :lol:
>Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked
in a
>sauna.
>
>Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm
and
>the beep stopped. The other men looked at him questioningly.
>
>"That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the
skin
>of my arm."
>
>A few minutes later, a phone rang.
>
>The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his
>conversation, he explained: "That was my mobile phone. I have a
microchip
>in my hand."
>
>The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be
outdone.
>He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
>
>He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his
backside.
>
>The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around
and
>said:
>"Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!"
Bratts
Back of the Net
21-09-2007, 12:36
Chelsea players have released a new aftershave:
The Chosen 1 by 'u go boss'
bluestar
21-09-2007, 14:18
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says "Got any bread?"
Barman says "No,we have no bread."
Duck says "Got any bread?"
Barman says:"No,we haven't got any f******g bread!"
Duck says:"Got any bread?"
Barman says:"No are you deaf?! We havent got any bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*******g beak to the bar you irritating B*****d of a f*****g bird!"
Duck says:"Got any nails?"
Barman says:"No!"
Duck says "Got any bread?"
DEFRA have put a 3km foot and mouth protection zone around Stamford Bridge after someone saw 11 donkeys running around lost,disorientated and confused..
The Harrox
08-10-2007, 18:57
A little boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum,
'Granny's got a prawn!'.
The mother says 'What on earth do you mean?' The boy takes his mother and shows her Granny, stark naked asleep on the sofa. He points to grandmas protruding clitoris and says 'Grannys got a prawn!'
His mother whispers 'Thats your grandmas clitoris son'
To which the little boy replies..'well it tastes like a prawn'
Celtic 2, The Mighty Gers 4
09-10-2007, 07:36
Guess thats the normally thing that goes on in Spalding!!!! :lol:
The Harrox
09-10-2007, 11:35
Not a bad effort considering it was given to me by one of your own kind !!!!!!
:lol:
Then again his understanding of the English language is maybe a bit better than your own !!!!!!!!!!!
Guess thats the normally thing that goes on in Spalding!!!! :lol:
coming from someone in whittlesey!? :soo:
bluestar
09-10-2007, 15:06
Steady JB - he only got in cos he married my niece !!! :lol: ( mind you after watching him play a few times I reckon he might have six toes on each foot.... :mad:)
Celtic 2, The Mighty Gers 4
14-10-2007, 09:12
Steady JB - he only got in cos he married my niece !!! :lol: ( mind you after watching him play a few times I reckon he might have six toes on each foot.... :mad:)
Would rather the six toes than the six chins!!!!!!!!!1 :lol:
bluestar
16-10-2007, 15:05
unfortunately Shaun - since you left the job at the gym you have both.......
Back of the Net
25-10-2007, 11:15
Found in an Arsenal online newsletter - Quality!
At first I was afraid, I was
petrified
Kept thinking I could never turn
Spurs into a top four side
But I spent oh so many nights
thinking how Stalteri did me wrong
Perhaps I'm wrong but I'll just have
to carry on
And we'll be back, into fifth place
Wait till the transfer window, sign
another waste of space
I should have sold Paul Robinson, I
should have dropped him from the
team
If I had known for just one second
he'd concede more than Derby
Go on now go - Bent, there's the
door
Just turn around now 'cause you
don't score goals anymore
Weren't you the one who cost more
than Thierry Henry?
I knew you'd crumble, I'd rather
have Emile Hes-key.
But I, I will survive
Oh, if we just win the next six
games I know I'll stay alive
I've got Tainio who is crap and
Huddlestone who's just fat
But I'll survive, I will survive
It took all the strength I had not
to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend Defoe's
relationship with his little tart
And I spent oh so many nights trying
on John Barnes's tights
And oh I've cried, I want the Spurs
job till I die!
And you see Keane, he hates me too
I subbed him off when we were
winning then we went and effing
drew!
And now I'm scratching my big chin,
should I just sell Ledley King?
If I'm gonna save my skin I'll need
some Labour party spin
Oh yes I, I will survive
Levy wants the Special One because
he’s got more drive
Or that bloke who’s at Seville, just
the thought it makes me ill
Hang on what’s that? You say my pay
off is four mill??
Go on now go, I’m out the door
Don’t need you nasty dirty scum fans
any more
Tottenham have no class, so stick
your job right up your arse
And I’ll survive, yes I’ll
surviiiiiiiiiiiiive!
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a young woman sitting by herself
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?
Woman: "No, they spread!"
Celtic 2, The Mighty Gers 4
23-11-2007, 19:57
" it has been said the england team are going to change the emblem on their shirts. 3 lions now becomes 3 tampons 2 celebrte their worst period in history!!!"
:lol:
bluestar
24-11-2007, 09:43
A mate of mine was so disappointed at the dismal England showing that he went to see his doctor and asked him if he could surgically change his nationality, as he wanted to become a Sweaty Sock - and the doctor said "yes, that might be a possibility" when my mate asked whether it would be a painful operation the doctor said " yes, extremely painful - " so my mate asked " is the painful bit, when you have to manipulate my vocal chords to give me that gruff accent that no-one understands? and the doctor replied " No - thats the easy bit, the bit that hurts is when we widen your mouth and take your brain out !!!"
SportsSec
24-11-2007, 20:13
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised , answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm . In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit . After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised , smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard . In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable . After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?? asks the daughter"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
_________________
Celtic 2, The Mighty Gers 4
24-11-2007, 21:35
Tom Tom are recalling bak all there sat navs ! apparently England are nowhere to be found in Europe!!! :lol:
bluestar
26-11-2007, 11:13
Fast forward to 2008 - it is just before Scotland v Holland, a 2010 World Cup qualifying game. Robin van Persie goes into the Dutch changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".
van Persie looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So van Persie goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Dutch team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Scotland 0 - Holland 1 (van Persie 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium ") - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes) - Holland 1 (van Persie 10 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
bluestar
26-11-2007, 11:15
Q: What's the difference between The Invisible Man and Scotland?
A: You've got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the World Cup Finals. :lol:
bluestar
26-11-2007, 11:16
Q: What's the difference between a PG Tips monkey and a Scottish footballer?
A: A PG Tips monkey has been seen holding a cup.
bluestar
26-11-2007, 11:18
shouldnt mock the afflicted - so here's one, without reference to Sweaties at all....
it's backstage in 1968 and Jim Morrison is being - ahem - 'orally serviced' by a young groupie when Mick Jagger and Keith Richards walk in.
Jim says 'hey baby - why don't you go and do my friends as well'.
so she goes over and does her thing.
then Michael Caine bursts in and says 'Oi!! you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!'.
This is a bit long winded:
The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you". His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him the England football team.
bluestar
07-12-2007, 08:55
The duck - a little story - quack quack!!
A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham
sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.
'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.
'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working', says the duck,
'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'.
'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him,
'You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be
just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'.
'Sounds marvellous', says the ringleader, 'get him to give me a call'.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!'
'Yeah?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'
'At the circus', says the barman.
'The circus?' the duck enquires.
'That's right', replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'Yes' says the barman
'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.
'Yeah' the barman replies.
'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.
'Of Course' the barman replies.
'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
'What would they want with a plasterer?
bluestar
07-12-2007, 08:59
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house.
The duck - a little story - quack quack!!
A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham
sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.
'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.
'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working', says the duck,
'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'.
'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him,
'You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be
just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'.
'Sounds marvellous', says the ringleader, 'get him to give me a call'.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!'
'Yeah?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'
'At the circus', says the barman.
'The circus?' the duck enquires.
'That's right', replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'Yes' says the barman
'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.
'Yeah' the barman replies.
'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.
'Of Course' the barman replies.
'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
'What would they want with a plasterer?
TOOK ME AGES TO GET THAT!
bluestar
07-12-2007, 14:12
Its fortunate for you then Harbs that this is the season for goodwill etc, which also means an abundance of crappy cracker jokes which you probably will get a lot quicker;)
excellent, i need some new material at work, they are starting to think im semi intelligent having to have normal conversatinos about real life!
Following last nights break in at Stevie Gerrards house,
Apparently when the robbers burst in they shouted " stay where you are or were gonna shoot"
To which Alex Curran replied " not yet my mouths not open"
================================================== ==========
In a further development Phil Neville has had his fears allayed by the Merseyside police that he is on the gangs hit list.
Apparently they are not after Premiership winners medals!
These commercials tickled me
gC8s6qFrW8Y
bluestar
08-01-2008, 16:37
So a couple are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and stop at a tavern they visited at the start of their honeymoon in - as they sit in one of the private drinking booths the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I ' ve gotta see these two old-timers having sex against a fence; I ' ll just keep an eye on them so there ' s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn ' t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I ' ve got to ask them what their secret is. So,as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must ' ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence
bluestar
08-01-2008, 16:40
and here's something for all those Casualty addicts who having watched the show think they are now medical know-it-alls.
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It is called the 'anal optic nerve'. It's responsible for giving people a '****ty outlook' on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Just thought you would want to know.:)
bluestar
25-01-2008, 12:06
Bertl was worried that his wife was getting hard of hearing. Not quite sure
how to approach her about her hearing, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Bertl was in the study. He thinks, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response. So, the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Hun, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away: "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response. So, he walks right up behind her: "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Bert, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!"
"World's Shortest Fairytale"
Once upon a time a man asked a woman"Will you marry me?"
The woman replied "No" and the man lived happily ever after going fishing,golfing,drinking,sleeping around and still had money in his pocket at the end of every week!the end.
Back of the Net
04-02-2008, 12:46
From an irate WIFEY!!!!
MENOPAUSE JEWELLERY :
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f
** kin'red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a
> very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
>
> "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a
> faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
> divorce straight away!" And he replied:
>
> "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
>
> "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to
> me!" And he began:
>
> "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
> asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took
> pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin,
> not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for
> three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
> enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
> you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
> moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while
> she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
> threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
> jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say
> they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
> anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
> I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
> wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the
> expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like
> them.." He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my
> understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
> with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else
> that your wife doesn't use?
>
> There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
> woman.
>
> They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
> when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
> gesture, brings the two to life.
>
> The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
> hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
>
> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
> shrubbery.
>
>
> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
>
> After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
>
> The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you
> care to do it again?"
>
> He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But
> let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you
> **** on its head."
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different
countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere!
Got it, Asshole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.
Enjoy this list of authentic announcements that London tube train drivers have made to their passengers over the years:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in
the opposite direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from
his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town
and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which
means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore
stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now
... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had
actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change,
please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this
way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -
I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and
separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean
throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the
doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down
four-eyes, an